Friday, December 18, 2009
☆ Nothing but a failure... ☆ `
Yeah, tat is me...NOTHING BUT A FAILURE!!!
That was what someone told me few weeks ago...a GREAT disappointment to my parents, a disgrace to the society...wasting her 27 years of life with no achievements...just like a useless shell, being deserted on a deserted beach....
At this current age still idling around doing nothing...with no ideal career and no fixed income for herself yet still have to rely on her parents to feed her daily lives...apart from tat, she is also a disgrace to the world for whatever things that she did, people thinks there is a motive behind it or would think tat is cos I am seeking FAME & ATTENTION.
All these while I have been telling myself to be true and good, not only to myself and also to the poeple around me...i believe that if they are happy with my accompany and that I am able to bring them happiness, I myself will gain the happiness too. Thus, I have been putting in alot of effort to help them as much as I can by going the extra mile...even it is out of my limits I never say NO to them cos I knew that this time I offered my helping hand to them, next time when I needed such pillar of support, someone would be there for me.
But why did I ended up in such a tragic ending for now??? Not only have I been able to find an ideal career for myself...friends left me, thinking I am nothing but HASSLE & TROUBLE...family thinks I am a disgrace to them and a good-for-nothing person...
Was it wrong of me to be nice and good to my friends? Was it wrong of me to truly show concern to friends whom need it? Was it what i wanted for my epilepsy? Was it the way I want it to be in terms of losing my job? Am I really trying to attract attention or gain fame by knowing more people? Have I brought harm, hassle and trouble to any one of your life? Am I really a disgrace to al my friends, my family???
Does that mean that I should put an end to my current life now since I am nothing but just a useless empty shell??? If that day were to come, I guess nobody would have even remember who the hell is esther aka hesther....people would only see that as "oh, that hassle gal ah...should have vanished from this world earlier since she is nothing but trouble and couldnt even contribute anything to the society, to the family or to her friends!!!"
I had really lost my directions...lost the motivation to move on....lost the hope in trusting people...lost the faith that there are people whom will appreciate her truly...lost the belief that she still has the chance to stay in this world...lost her soul, sense of love & feelings...had LOST EVERYTHING!!!
♥_♥ Face your past without regrets. Handle your present with Confidence.
And prepare for the future without fear!♥_♥
￡oVer*Ga￡™ signing off
EnTeRing In DreamLand @ 12:11 AM
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☆ She ♥ herself and no one else...☆
Thursday, November 5, 2009
☆ Is he the one??? ☆ `
erm, i dunno if my instincts were right this time but somehow i do felt really comfortable chatting with "him" while on msn yesterday night...that i see abit of my eurasian ex-bf, Blue on "him".
had a long day ytdy and after the mini bday celebration for dezmond over at his place, it was coming to 12am plus when i left with shalom for cab back home...then back at home was busy uploading the photos tat was taken previously at his place and on the other side chatting with my sweetheart, darling and "him" over in msn.
the talk over in msn with "him" was really comfortable until we both didnt wanna end the conversation until 4am where we couldnt take it any further le cos really very tired and sleepy already...
hmm...do hope he is the one i have been waiting for cos based on the few hours of conversation can really sense he is nice person to get along with...as for now, just leave everything as it is and what is meant for me, eventually will be lor....
♥_♥ Face your past without regrets. Handle your present with Confidence.
And prepare for the future without fear!♥_♥
￡oVer*Ga￡™ signing off
EnTeRing In DreamLand @ 2:56 PM
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☆ She ♥ herself and no one else...☆
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
☆ What does my name means? ☆ `
I was really bored at work and there is nothing much for me to work on thus decided to go Google.com to search for some stuffs in there....the first thing that comes into my mind is find out the meaning and origin of my name - Esther.
there in google.com found a link to it and below explains what my name is and where is it from....
http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/0/Esther
The girl's name Esther \e-sther, es-ther\ is pronounced ESS-ter. It is of Persian origin, and its meaning is "myrtle leaf". Also possibly (Persian) "star". Biblical: a young Hebrew woman named Hadassah who became the wife of the Persian king Ahasuerus, and risked her life to save her people. Jews celebrate the festival of Purim in memory of her.
Apart from the above explaination, i also realized there are other variations on how the name was being called and the next thing that comes to my mind is choose a unique way of spelling the name without changing the addressing....that is instead of Esther Yew Bee Ting, it will be Hesther Yew Bee Ting. The next thing i gonna do is having this name be included in my NRIC and updating the ugly photo in it...think after the 13th of this month there will be a list of things i gonna do and achieve.
♥_♥ Face your past without regrets. Handle your present with Confidence.
And prepare for the future without fear!♥_♥
￡oVer*Ga￡™ signing off
EnTeRing In DreamLand @ 3:35 PM
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☆ She ♥ herself and no one else...☆
☆ i guess not possible... ☆ `
erm, towards him I couldnt bring myself to be angry towards him for too long and sometimes felt that I am really indebted to him cos during our short-term of "cold war", sure bound to see him within my vicinity...like cant get him out of my sight completely.
i had a bad day yesterday and my mood was like shit...all the whole of ytdy glad my sweetheart was around to hear my complains despite him busy rushing for his assignments whereby I am really appreciative...then at night after a busy hectic day went back home, took a short rest before going on msn.
saw him online and he nudged me a few times but i ignored cos didnt feel like talking to him...shortly i give him a call on his mobile and there was where i started bitching towards him on conversational topics like me going early over to KL and other stuffs...it puzzled him cos my sudden bitchinesswas too much for him to take. Before i started bitching, he actually did ask is it something sad that happened to me over at work or some other things that is troubling me thus i sound so sianz but didnt wanna tell him the actual reason so started bitching at him...the phone conversation didnt go long cos he had to get back to some of his work so we ended the call...
shortly saw him on msn and awhile later, i popped the question of is it a must for me to attend his bday this comin sat over at his place? It was merely a question but didnt know it could piss him off so much that he f***ed me off straight away. He goes on and on f***ing me like hell and saying very nasty things....in the end it was my turn whom couldnt take it and said even nasty things...so much that i told him if it's too much for him to take of my attitude, then by all means I GET OUTTA HIS LIFE!!!
thus sign off from msn, shut down my lappie....switch off my mobile and off to bed!!! I am very hurt by whatever he said in msn...not being understanding to my bad day somemore adding more to my problems......haix.
but then again, i cant find any reason to put up with the anger i had on him for too long...somehow would still miss the calls or sms coming from him in the morning or in the afternoon. Just like today, without my hp by my side i felt so uneasy then i dun have the mood to work thus by lunch time went back home just to check if there is any sms or calls from him...indeed saw a missed call from him.
guess wad, apart from tat while i m on my way back to office i saw someone familiar near the road junction of bugis X-junction...it was him with a black top n jeans together with a blue umbrella in his hand. The next moment when i was back in the office tried calling him and finally after 4 tries managed to get him...ask what was he doing over at bugis and did he looked for me in the morning???
slowly everything seems to return to normal...he asked if i wanna meet up with him for dinner tonight cos he will be at the gym but i told him how am i gonna contact him where i didnt had my mobile phone with me today...finally decided that after my work at the second place, i will go over to True Fitness to find him n then we will go have our dinner.
hmm...seems so true like wad my sweetheart has told me lor. It is not gonna be long "cold war" between me and him cos we both already know the importance of having each other so the most is one day of "cold war" and the next day we both will be back to normal...i think he somehow has become "someone of important value" to my life and there is no reason i could find to have him removed away from my life....
♥_♥ Face your past without regrets. Handle your present with Confidence.
And prepare for the future without fear!♥_♥
￡oVer*Ga￡™ signing off
EnTeRing In DreamLand @ 2:43 PM
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☆ She ♥ herself and no one else...☆
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
☆ Is it so difficult? ☆ `
Good things never stay forever for me...few days ago I was still enjoying myself happily with my lovebusts in KL, having my first-time experience taking an aeroplane and having the best bday celebration for 2 of my closest friends and now all these seems to drift from me further apart, leaving nothing but endless tears rolling down from my eyes, bleeding inside me...
All i asked for is trust and understanding, is it so hard to achieve???
I went for my trip the second time to K.L cos it was a friend's bday and I believed they would be able to take away my worries and problems, then bring happy moments to me. Indeed I really had a good time with them during the four days there but happy moments dun stay long with me always, i really dun understand why???
I had tendered my resignation before I left for my KL trip...I knew it was not a harsh decision but after serious thought that I should let go of this current job I am working since it's a place where I can't gain that little respect for myself. After tendering the letter, basically I am doing nothing but basic tasks like follow-ups with recent activities, pasting & sticking of postcards, etc...all that just for November 13th to arrive.
But then something really sad happen 2 hours ago, making me felt really sad and at loss....
I was back to work after having lunch with my darling and sister and as usual, working on the amendments of the date tat was on the postcard...everything seems alright until my colleague told me that tml I will have to be at the event site @ 9.45am sharp and will be stationed the whole day there...apart from that, i gotta make sure the 2k postcards have to be ready for tml's events...upon hearing tat, i was like WTF how could it be even possible to finish the remaining 800 postcards within that short time and I thought tat stupid idiot was telling me to "WITHDRAW FROM ALL RELATED MATTERS PERTAINING TO THAT EVENT"??? Then why the hell do I still need to be stationed there tml???
Since that is what they expect from me, even though i hated it i still have to go along with it thus worked extremely fast on the postcards...on the other side was trying to get my mum to inform her that I will be going over to my colleague's place for the night to hurry the postcard thingy and then tml go straight from her place to the event site. Finally I managed to get her and before I could seek her permission and explain why the need to do so, she jumped to conclusion that I might as well move all my stuffs and dun ever come back!!!
I was like WTF, is there a need for her to say such hurtful things before getting things right??? Previously she had already hurt me badly by saying something really unpleasant and this time round again didnt get the true facts right and concluded based on her own thinking...I had no choice but to call back and tell her all i ask for is that 10mins to finish what I eventually want to say...
Thereafter, I hang up the phone and give myself some time to calm down....while doing so, tears started rolling down from my eyes...the reason why i cried was cos on my side, I have been trying very hard to give her a good living. I know I am not earning much thus took up another cleaning job despite me being drained out...I know my health wasn't good and due to epilepsy it is always an disadvantage if I got myself too stressed out but there I tell myself to do the best out of everything...to be careful at work, to take good care of my health just to salvage this current job of mine but after all the efforts I have tried, it doesn't seems to help and there i gonna say goodbye to it...but what hurts me is my mum never understands what I have been going through at work and never had the patience to hear all my pains and sorrows I am facing at work.
The worse problem I am facing currently is I just gotta know from the HR department that I might not be getting any salary after all the deductions of over-taken vacation and medical leave...how am I gonna let my mum know bout this, she sure gonna jump to her own conclusions and say nasty comments again. Thus despite the true fact that I am really not getting any salary, I will still have to fork out that $500 to give both her and my uncle...finances is one issue, another issue is just a simple request of staying over at my friends place to rush out tat task that will be needed for tml...if I dun respect her as my mother, would i even bother to call her urgently to inform her of the current situation I am facing??? No advices or nice words to console me yet said those nasty comments to me...sometimes I wonder have I really been a failure as a daughter to her???
I already hated myself for having such a sickness that caused me to lose so many working opportunities...already hated the kind of environment I am currently in....all I asked is tat simple care and concern from family, is it so difficult to achieve??? I had no choice but to turn to friends cos at least they can cheer me up even though they cant provide any solutions to my problems. All i asked for is a patient listening ear, someone to cheer me up to bring away the sadness and pain inside me, IS IT REALLY THAT DIFFICULT!!!
♥_♥ Face your past without regrets. Handle your present with Confidence.
And prepare for the future without fear!♥_♥
￡oVer*Ga￡™ signing off
EnTeRing In DreamLand @ 11:16 PM
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☆ She ♥ herself and no one else...☆
Friday, August 7, 2009
☆ an enjoyable ni+e.... ☆ `
it was around 6.35pm when I reached orchard cine, just after I finished work then came over to meet up with my love~bursts whom are xin kai, weijie & joshua...this meetup was very sudden but glad they didnt mind me joining them so we all decided to go catch the movie - "Hangover"
The movie : Hangover
half-way thru' the movie, I was busy sms~ing my sweetieboy Blaise asking where is he and if he's alright to meet me and my love~bursts...since he had no obligations so the moment the movie ended, all of us went over to KFC to meet him. Over at KFC waited for my sweetieboy to finish his meal then thereafter all of us go over to the food court @ Meridean where the rest of us grab some light bites there...
our last stop of the day was somewhere near Plaza Singapura where we all stop over for some cam-whoring shots, which is all our favorites....thanks to my love~bursts and sweetieboy for such a great moment spent. Love em' all...
our cam-whore shots....
♥_♥ Face your past without regrets. Handle your present with Confidence.
And prepare for the future without fear!♥_♥
￡oVer*Ga￡™ signing off
EnTeRing In DreamLand @ 8:22 PM
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☆ She ♥ herself and no one else...☆
Monday, July 27, 2009
☆ sianz.... ☆ `
today morning was late for work thus mood wasn't so good for the day + something bad happen the moment i step into the office, it just doubles up my negative mood...haix, how i wish every friday comes fast cos for now the only day i would really enjoy thru'ut da whole of the week would be on Saturdays lor where I can get together with my love-bursts at clubs, cam-whoring, dancing n drinking...bringing our life to the fullest...
I think if i wan to work happily, there must be some motivation and how does these motivation come from??? Haha, it has got to be photos of me and my love-bursts definitely...then next is to decorate my office area such that it is not so dull and boring. Erm, guess I gonna do some shopping after work this evening and also get my broadband on mobile going cos w/o I.A in my workplace, it just kills me off to boredom~ness!!!
But i have alot of things for me to look forward to in the month of August...besides a few events that I am involved in, there are few mondays of the month i will be taking leave cos i hate "MONDAY BLUES", last but not least is the long holiday for National Day which is all the way from 7th August to 10th August, a total of 4 days. Wow, i can sense ZIRCA & PLAY is calling me lol!!!
Too bad my pay day is on the 12th if not I would be able to enjoy myself even more...but I guess with my love-bursts around, they wont allow me to have any chance to be sad one lor....love them all alot for what they have brought to me all these while...
♥_♥ Face your past without regrets. Handle your present with Confidence.
And prepare for the future without fear!♥_♥
￡oVer*Ga￡™ signing off
EnTeRing In DreamLand @ 2:53 PM
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☆ She ♥ herself and no one else...☆
NaMe : Hesther Yew